Over a year ago, I witnessed something at a restaurant that I still think of almost daily. This woman, a stranger, with whom I had absolutely zero interaction, still pops into my brain, especially when I'm off my parenting game. I don't even know if she was actually a parent herself, but in about ten seconds she managed to epitomize what I think of as ideal parenting.
I'm probably building it up to be more than it was. That's probably why I think about it so fondly, because it was so simple. One little act of silliness that completely changed the dynamic of the group she was in.
We were at a really popular restaurant right at dinnertime. There is a grassy waiting area that was full of families, kids of all ages running around. In front of us were a few kids, probably all between 4 and 7. It had recently rained and there were a few puddles and muddy areas. The kids immediately squealed and started to go for a mud pit - one kid jumped over it, another was poised to stomp in it. One parent, presumably the mother of at least one of them, sighed and said, "Ugh, guys, do you really have to do that?"
Before I get to the good part, I have to note that this approach kills me, although I do it myself sometimes. Take a second to decide whether you're going to allow or not allow something. If you're going to allow it, allow it all the way - enjoy it! If you aren't going to allow it, then don't. But that - "I'm going to let you do it but also let you know I'm super unhappy about it" - it's whiney. It brings everyone down. It sucks the joy away, it doesn't let them enjoy themselves. It makes the kids self-conscious, maybe embarrassed - should I not be enjoying this? Of course they should - mud is the best!
Enter my hero: just as the kids had gone from uninhibited glee to muted, cautious interest, this woman leapt out of nowhere (at least that's how it happened in my head), jumped DIRECTLY IN THE CENTER OF THE MUD PIT, and yelled, while stomping her feet:
"Yeah, how dare you HAVE FUN. How dare you BE CHILDREN. STOP IT RIGHT THIS INSTANT."
The kids obviously thought it was the greatest thing they'd ever seen. A grown up being a kid, a grown up affirming their joy, a grown up not just allowing, but actively encouraging them to be children. The other mom started laughing, having been shown another way without being undermined, having her anxieties over dirtiness relieved. Everyone went back to having a good time, the kids enjoying the mud and the other mom not worrying about it. The hero stepped out of the picture as swiftly as she'd entered it, shrugged and said, "Huh, guess I'm muddy now."
It's a beautiful picture to keep in my head when I start feeling uptight about making a mess, or about Felix disrobing in the middle of the grocery store, or about all the little hassles that pop up all over every single day. It helps me see when I'm standing in my own way, resisting something that could otherwise be joyful for both of us. Maybe a little of what I'm feeling is envy that I don't get to play in mud anymore...except that I can, if I'd let myself.
These things are fun, and fun is good.
Let mud happen.
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