Epic Book Report: Unconditional Parenting

Unconditional Parenting has blown the lid off everything I thought I knew about parenting (which, admittedly, wasn't much).  It actually surprises me how blown away I am by the entire concept, considering that it isn't dissimilar to how I was raised.  Or maybe that's exactly why it's clicking with me.

It appeals to my logic.  Everything in this book is perfectly rationalized and incredibly well supported.  Like, with actual behavioral studies.  If I have any complaint about the book at all it's that there are parts that get muddy with research citations.  It's hard at first to get your mind around it, but once you do, you'll be in awe (or possibly horror) that you ever thought differently.

It's very difficult to even characterize unconditional parenting, because it isn't an XYZ technique book of how to make your kids obey.  Obey is actually quite the four-letter word.  It entirely circumvents the need to make kids do what you say. 

It's a gentle, empathetic approach to parenting that is based on mutual trust and respect.  It holds children in high esteem, it gives them a voice and takes their needs seriously.  It's a long-view approach that focuses on overall wellbeing and happiness rather than manipulating specific behaviors.  Most parenting advice tries to answer the question, "How do I make my kids be good?" and this book asks, "How do I raise a good person?"

A Day for Us

This is the second time I'm on the receiving end of Mothers Day, but I feel so much more like a mother this year.  This time last year I feel like I was still transitioning; I hadn't quite shed my old skin.  That process took longer than I'd thought it would.

I'm tempted to get overly sentimental, to say that what my mother always told me is true - that I would never truly be able to comprehend her love for me until I had children of my own.  I get it now, and I'll just leave it at that.

Before I go back to enjoying my day, I wanted to share a post from another blog.  Because I can't say it any better, and because it helps remind me that the work I'm doing matters, even on days that feel wasted and unaccomplished, even when it feels like all I do is sow but there's nothing to reap.

He's going to grow up, and I can't stop him.

Dear Moms with Littles

A reluctant note on that TIME piece.

Against my better judgement, I feel compelled to say...something...about this.  I don't know what though. Which train of thought to follow?  That Time wants readers, and putting a hot mom nursing a 3 year old who looks 7 will do it?  That these articles always pit working moms against moms who stay at home?  That attachment parents are always portrayed as extremists for following their gut maternal instincts?  That the misinformation about AP is rampant and arbitrary and completely lacking any basis in fact?

I'm not going to read the article.  I'm not going to read comments on the article (I promise you I've read them all before).  The title alone is enough for me to dismiss it.  But I can't let it go without saying something from my tiny cyber soapbox.

Celebration!

Yesterday was celebration day.  My brother graduated from Southwestern, he and his twin brother are about to have a birthday, and John's birthday is tomorrow.  Ma famille came in from Houston and Dallas (except for Claire/Aunt Dave, who lives in NYC),  I met The Girlfriend, Felix wore a bow tie, I made cupcakes (from a GF box mix, which was kind of a mistake), and everyone was merry.  Except for Felix, who was not feeling so hot, and barfed in the car.  Twice.

But at least he looked adorable, right?  Oh, Adam too ;)

Unconditional Marriage

Awww

I'm still working my way through Unconditional Parenting, and I'll tell you what I think when I'm done, but for now I'll just say that I really, really like it, it's changed my perspective on a lot of things, and not just with parenting.


UP has lots of features, each probably worth their own post, but the one that gets the most attention (because it is so foreign to us, so counter to everything we believe about parenting), is that it maligns punishments and praise and rewards.  Non-punitive parenting isn't new to me, but I'd never thought of praise as the other side of the same coin, and just as worthy of avoiding.  They are both tools of manipulation, and teach children that our love and esteem for them hinge on their behavior.  The message is: "I love you more when you're good and when you do impressive things, I love you less when you are bad."  Punishments and rewards convey conditioned love.  Even though we say we love them unconditionally and "no matter what," our actions don't support that, and actions are what count.  It doesn't matter what message is sent; it matters what message is received.  So with children, whose perceptions are universally wildly different than ours, it's incredibly important to try to understand how they may be interpreting what we do and say.

It also causes children to become extrinsically motivated in their actions, rather than intrinsically.  They don't do things because they want to or because it's the right thing to do, they do them based on what good or bad thing might happen to them.  They say they're sorry because you told them to and don't want time out, not because they mean it.  They help pick up toys so they'll get a reward from you, not because they want to help you.  Their focus becomes what impact things have on them, not what impact their actions have on other people.

When you think about it that way...duh, right?  I've had several "duh" moments while reading the book.  And it can't help but change your perspective on all of your relationships, not just with your kids.  I've read several reviews of the book that mention that it helped their marriage as much as their parenting. It really makes you realize how conditional you are in your adult relationships.

Felix and Ma