Some answers!

WHOA.  I got a lot of response to the last post, and it seems I need to clarify some things!

First - I don't have a "No I-love-you" policy.  I do have an authenticity policy, and I won't force myself to say something that doesn't feel right.  If it's instinctual for you, gracious, by all means say it twelve hundred times a day!  That post was meant as an explanation for why I feel silly saying it to my son, but not to anyone else; it was not a how-to.

I will reiterate that the biggest reason I think I don't like saying it is that I feel like it's unnecessary (I might as well make a ritual of telling him before he goes to bed, "I am your mother"), and besides, seems to insinuate that there is another possibility: that I'm capable of not loving him, which isn't true.  It's like...if John came home one night and said, "Sweetie, I would never divorce you."  Well, I would hope not!  Shouldn't I be able to take that for granted?



How will he know you love him?
Is saying "I love you" all it takes to love someone?  Obviously not.  Love is empathy, respect, partnership.  He will receive all of that, and he will see how my husband and I treat each other.  My entire point is that he should know that I love him without me having to say it; that I'm not asking him to read between the lines because the question of whether or not I love him will never even enter his mind.  And I will say it - but I won't force myself to, and I want for it to be part of a broader conversation.  I don't think kids learn you love them or learn what love is simply by you saying it to them.  Unless you have a conversation about it, you're just stating a fact, aren't you?  If you say it, but don't explain it, what does it mean to them?  And if you say it, but then don't support it, won't they get a twisted sense of love?  If you say you love them, but also spank them, will they think those two things go together?  They learn what love is by seeing it in action.

He will know that his presence makes me happy, and that I cannot tolerate his absence.  He will know that my acceptance of him is complete and unconditional.  He will know that he doesn't need to earn my approval by being good, and that he doesn't lose it by being bad.  He will know that I hear him, that I respect him, and that his feelings matter to me.  He will get everything he needs from me.  I don't withhold from him.

Do you tell your husband you love him?
I do, daily.  But marital love and parental love are not the same.  I would love to say that my love for my husband is unconditional and limitless - but the truth is that there is a choice involved.  Rather than being a pessimistic admission, I think it speaks to our bond that we each know that we could live without the other, but choose to be together anyway.  Marital love requires upkeep; it could end, even though the circumstances of that happening are so extreme I can't fathom it.  So we do need reminders, I need to know that he still loves me and we are still well.  Still - it's far more important that he ACT as though he loves me than that he says it.

Was the L-word taboo in your house growing up?
No, although I will say that my mom and I rarely say it now.  It goes back to what I said about there needing to be a different term for mother-love.  I don't have any doubts of my mother's love, even though it is hardly spoken.  What I remember from being a kid, more often than her telling me she loved me, was her saying that I wouldn't understand her love until I had kids of my own.  She was right.

And to the more general responses of horror - do not confuse my hesitation to say those three words as a hesitation to actually love.  The hesitation lies in the thought that "love" is actually a belittling term for the manic, irrational, visceral attachment I have for him.  And please don't think I won't ever try to explain it to him.  I'll try, but he won't understand for a long time.