Unconditional Marriage

Awww

I'm still working my way through Unconditional Parenting, and I'll tell you what I think when I'm done, but for now I'll just say that I really, really like it, it's changed my perspective on a lot of things, and not just with parenting.


UP has lots of features, each probably worth their own post, but the one that gets the most attention (because it is so foreign to us, so counter to everything we believe about parenting), is that it maligns punishments and praise and rewards.  Non-punitive parenting isn't new to me, but I'd never thought of praise as the other side of the same coin, and just as worthy of avoiding.  They are both tools of manipulation, and teach children that our love and esteem for them hinge on their behavior.  The message is: "I love you more when you're good and when you do impressive things, I love you less when you are bad."  Punishments and rewards convey conditioned love.  Even though we say we love them unconditionally and "no matter what," our actions don't support that, and actions are what count.  It doesn't matter what message is sent; it matters what message is received.  So with children, whose perceptions are universally wildly different than ours, it's incredibly important to try to understand how they may be interpreting what we do and say.

It also causes children to become extrinsically motivated in their actions, rather than intrinsically.  They don't do things because they want to or because it's the right thing to do, they do them based on what good or bad thing might happen to them.  They say they're sorry because you told them to and don't want time out, not because they mean it.  They help pick up toys so they'll get a reward from you, not because they want to help you.  Their focus becomes what impact things have on them, not what impact their actions have on other people.

When you think about it that way...duh, right?  I've had several "duh" moments while reading the book.  And it can't help but change your perspective on all of your relationships, not just with your kids.  I've read several reviews of the book that mention that it helped their marriage as much as their parenting. It really makes you realize how conditional you are in your adult relationships.


For me, it's less about manipulation and more about keeping score and fairness, and the result isn't fair to anyone.  I feel like I have a mental scoreboard, and when things get to weighted down on my side, I withdraw.  I also tend to just not notice if things are weighted down on his side.  Or I do notice, and he is  reacting by being depressed and unavailable, and I resent him for bringing me down, when I could be looking for ways to ease the stress and make everyone happier.  It can start a really nasty cycle where we both withhold affection because the other is bummed out and withholding affection...

Let's take last night as an example.  Our nighttime routine is the three of us getting in bed, turning all the lights out, and I nurse Felix to sleep.  It takes around 15 minutes usually, although it feels like much longer.  John usually falls asleep, which is a pretty normal reaction to lying in a dark, quiet room at night.  When I get up he usually rouses, and we clean up the house.

Last night John didn't rouse.  I took a shower, peeked in the bedroom - still asleep, half propped up against the wall.  So I did some dishes...picked up toys...fed and watered the chickens...fed the dog...let the dog out to pee...sorted laundry...all the while getting more and more frustrated that I was doing it alone and he wasn't helping.  When I'd finished I was too pissed to sleep, and stayed up past midnight, blaming him for that as well.  In the morning when I woke up at 7:15, he was already gone, so I couldn't even show him how pissed I was by being moody and maybe making a snarky comment about how rested he must feel.  And we were out of eggs.  Which was also his fault.

We did talk about it like adults, but everything leading up to that had been pretty childish.  I was looking for fairness, resenting that my husband was asleep while I was cleaning, when I'm the one who needs the extra sleep.  I didn't feel like he had done enough work to deserve to rest.

If I had let go of the entire idea of fairness, I might have thought, "Wow he must be really tired, I'm glad he's getting some rest," recognized that I didn't want to clean alone, and gone to bed myself.  I could've left a note asking him to do the dishes before he left for work.

I think that searching for some degree of equity in the amount of work that each partner does is healthy.  I mean, Dad shouldn't come home from work and play Call of Duty in the basement while Mom makes dinner and watches the kids.  But searching for fairness is futile, and trying to keep score will just make everyone miserable.

Did you see The Breakup, that movie with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Anniston?  Remember when she says, "I want you to want to do the dishes"?  I think we, as a culture, are missing a lot of that.  I think we hold onto tit-for-tat, what-have-you-done-for-me-lately methods of interaction, when we should be doing things just because they should be done, just because we love each other.  Rather than, "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours," we should be aiming for, "Let me scratch your back, I hope it feels good."  No return favors, no manipulation.  Just love.

I want to try to get away from expecting anything in return.  I want to do nice things for my family just because I love them.  We all have needs to be met, but our giving and receiving don't need to be directly related.  We can let the inherent joy of brightening someone's day be the reward.  I can let John sleep just because he's tired, he can take Felix on a walk just because he sees I need a break, and I won't expect him to feel guilty for sleeping, and he won't expect me to cheerfully take over again when he gets back.

I want to start a different cycle, one where sweetness begets sweetness.  No-reason flower leads to thoughtful note leads to more love for everyone leads to me not fuming over a single night of solo chores.

Do you keep score?