Unconditional Parenting has blown the lid off everything I thought I knew about parenting (which, admittedly, wasn't much). It actually surprises me how blown away I am by the entire concept, considering that it isn't dissimilar to how I was raised. Or maybe that's exactly why it's clicking with me.
It appeals to my logic. Everything in this book is perfectly rationalized and incredibly well supported. Like, with actual behavioral studies. If I have any complaint about the book at all it's that there are parts that get muddy with research citations. It's hard at first to get your mind around it, but once you do, you'll be in awe (or possibly horror) that you ever thought differently.
It's very difficult to even characterize unconditional parenting, because it isn't an XYZ technique book of how to make your kids obey. Obey is actually quite the four-letter word. It entirely circumvents the need to make kids do what you say.
It's a gentle, empathetic approach to parenting that is based on mutual trust and respect. It holds children in high esteem, it gives them a voice and takes their needs seriously. It's a long-view approach that focuses on overall wellbeing and happiness rather than manipulating specific behaviors. Most parenting advice tries to answer the question, "How do I make my kids be good?" and this book asks, "How do I raise a good person?"
More specifically, it reasons (very well) that we should avoid manipulating their behavior - at all. That we should neither punish nor praise them in order to stifle or cultivate any given behavior. In doing so, we're just throwing carrots and sticks at them, when what they need is only love. Neutral, nonjudgemental, unconditional love.
The logic here is that children will learn, through punishment and praise, that your esteem of them, and in turn their own self-esteem, hinges on their behavior. The message they receive is that they are less worthy of love when they are bad, and more worthy of it when they are good. They think they have to earn your love. Something as simple as praising a well-thrown ball with a simple, "Whoa, good job!" can convey the message that you love them more when they do impressive things. Or even that you were surprised that they could do something so amazing. The message should be that you love them all the time, whether they are being a prefect angel or a whiny monster beast.
Your esteem of them heavily influences their self-esteem. They may grow up thinking more highly of themselves when they've done well and be shattered by failure if they learn from you that their self-worth is tied up with their successes and failures, rather than having a solid foundation of self-worth that doesn't much change whether they get an A or an F. If they do fail at something, they are more likely to overcome it quickly and learn from their errors rather than being crushed and thinking that they themselves are a failure.
Also, their motivation for doing or not doing something becomes extrinsic, rather than intrinsic, if parents use behavior manipulation in the form of punishment and praise. They may avoid doing something "bad," but mostly to avoid punishment. "I shouldn't throw this handful of sand because I don't want time out" rather than, "I shouldn't throw this sand because it might hurt someone." Conversely, they might do something "good," but only for the reward they may get, not because it is an inherently good thing to do. "I'll put my toys away so I can get a cookie," not, "I should put my toys away because it will help out Mom." When you promote intrinsic motivation, you teach empathy. When you promote extrinsic motivation, you teach self-centeredness.
The issue there is that young children are naturally self-centered and don't even have the capacity for empathy until they are much older. It can be so tempting to punish and praise because it seems to work - you are using their nature to your (short-term) advantage. A two year old simply doesn't understand that throwing sand will hurt someone else, she literally isn't capable of that, but can understand the consequence it will have on her, which is why she gives the toy back when you threaten time out, but not when you point out how sad she made the other child. You have to keep the long-term goal in mind. You have to allow for the fact that stealing toys is a developmentally appropriate behavior for a 2 year old. Punishing them now can impede their later capacity for empathy.
So what do you do to get your kids to be good? You don't. You forget about "good" and "bad." You understand that two year olds throw tantrums, that they steal toys, that they hit. They just do. Your job is to give them a positive, yes-oriented environment, empower them, hear their voice, take them seriously, and let your not-to-be-underestimated modeling of good behavior do the work for you.
Don't misunderstand - this isn't permissive parenting. It isn't about letting your kids be little shits because it's easier than trying to fight it. It's actually far, far more intensive than simple discipline - each conflict is viewed as a unique problem to be solved, where motivations and feelings are considered and discussed, and a resolution is achieved jointly. I know that's vague; I'm working on a follow-up post that will give examples of handling common conflicts.
But as a teaser - let's use the toy-snatching example. Let's say Felix steals a toy from a child at a playground. He's 18 months old, so this is totally normal behavior. Right now he's very into hoarding all the toys - one in each hand and one in his mouth. He doesn't care that he can't even play with any of them because he has no free hands - he just wants them all. Let's say I missed the opportunity to redirect him before it happened and now the toy-snatching victim is crying. I could pry the toy out of Felix's hands and give it back to the other kid, but that is just showing Felix that it's okay to rip things from people's hands; the exact behavior of which he is guilty. I often feel pressured to do that, just because I feel the glare of the other mom and she probably expects me to intervene and make it right. We usually err on the side of severity when we might be judged. Instead, I empathize with the victim - "Oh, I'm sorry he took that from you. You weren't finished playing with it, that's very upsetting. Wow Felix, that made him so sad." Then I try to engage him (the victim), or better - both of them, in something, like helping me fill a bucket with sand. Or whatever. And that's it.
There are 13 principles to UP laid out in the book:
BE REFLECTIVE
"...most of us would benefit by spending more time reviewing what we've done with our children in order to be better parents tomorrow than we are today."
Take the time to figure out why you do the things you do, and whether you should really be doing them. Are you doing things just because they were done to you? Because that's what your friends with kids do? Be honest with yourself.
RECONSIDER YOUR REQUESTS
"Perhaps when your child doesn't do what you're demanding, the problem isn't with the child but with what it is you're demanding."
Consider the possibility that you are the one to blame in a conflict. Before asking how to get a child to comply with a request, ask first whether your request is important and reasonable. For example, if you're having trouble getting your child to eat at the table, ask yourself how important it is that they eat at the table at all.
KEEP YOUR EYE ON YOUR LONG-TERM GOALS
"Whether your child spills the chocolate milk today, or loses her temper, or forgets to do her homework doesn't matter nearly as much as the things you do that either help or don't help her to become a decent, responsible, compassionate person."
For just about every parent, I'd imagine, the long term goal is helping your child become a happy, responsible, independent, caring, respectful, mature (you get the idea) adult. You have to figure out, then, whether your words and actions are supportive of that end goal. The first part of the book goes into extreme detail on why very common techniques - like time-outs, bribes, rewards, excessive praise - are working against you.
PUT THE RELATIONSHIP FIRST
If your relationship with your child is secure and sound, if there is mutual trust and respect, they are going to be more likely to comply when you do need them to do or not do something (because they trust that it is important), more likely to come to us if they're in trouble, and less likely to lie (because they aren't afraid of being judged or getting in trouble).
"Of course, a solid and loving relationship isn't justified primarily because it's useful; it's an end in itself. That's why we need to ask whether it's wroth jeopardizing that relationship in order to get a baby to sleep through the night, or a toddler to start using the potty, or a child to mind his manners."
CHANGE HOW YOU SEE, NOT JUST HOW YOU ACT
"When a child does something inappropriate, conditional parents are likely to perceive this as an infraction, and infractions naturally seem to call for 'consequences.' Unconditional parents are apt to see the same act as a problem to be solved, an opportunity for teaching rather than for making the child suffer."
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
"...kids are morel likely to respect others (including you) if they themselves feel respected."
I constantly hear parents say things to their kids and wonder, "How would that go over if you said it to your spouse?" I'm not talking about obviously disrespectful things like name calling - I mean common phrases that are dismissive and sarcastic and that speak loudly to how little regard we give to children's very real feelings. We say, "Oh, it's not a big deal," or "You're fine," or "You don't mean that." To the child, it is a big deal if they drop their ice cream and they're not fine if they got their feelings hurt and maybe they do really hate their sister. It's important to take them seriously, because to do otherwise is to send the message that they don't matter and we don't care.
BE AUTHENTIC
"We shouldn't hide behind the role of Father or Mother, to the point that our humanity (or our human connection with them) disappears."
"...there's a dimension of genuineness that's missing in the way some parents act with their kids, and that absence can be keenly felt even if the children can't quite identify what's lacking in, or not quite right about, the relationship."
Being authentic means being honest. It means admitting when you've messed up and apologizing to them for it. It means showing them that you are human, you have bad days, you don't have all the answers, you are not omnipotent, you are fallible. They should know that you also get mad and lose control, or that you also get sad, or that you also feel powerless. Then when they are struggling through something, you can guide them with experience rather than dictating from a pedestal.
TALK LESS, ASK MORE
"Dictating to kids (even in a nice way) is far less productive than eliciting ideas and objections and feelings from them."
"To be a great parent is more than a function of listening than of explaining."
There is a really great anecdote shared in this section about a dad who was frustrated that his 4 year old daughter dumped a whole bags of snacks out on the floor and refused his request to clean them up. He could have demanded that she clean them, he could have threatened her with a punishment if she didn't, but instead he asked her why she didn't want to put them away. Her reason: because she wanted to eat them. He explained that she could still eat them from the bag, but he would prefer the living room to be clean. Problem solved!
It goes back to being respectful and taking them seriously. You have to consider their point of view, and to get it, you have to ask. Then you can express your point of view to them, and then have a base for negotiation, all while teaching an empathy lesson.
KEEP THEIR AGES IN MIND
"Controlling parents [...] are likely to hold children to unrealistically high expectations, partly because they don't understand how unrealistic those expectations are. They might punish a toddler for failing to do what he said he would do, or demand that a preschooler sit quietly through a long family dinner."
"We have to keep our expectations keyed to what they're capable of doing."
Felix is almost 17 months old, and like a normal 17 month old, he steals toys from other kids. It's normal. If I were to put him in a time out, I would be punishing him for doing nothing but acting his age. If I take the toy from him and give it back to its original owner, I'm condoning the exact behavior of which he is guilty (much like yelling at a child to be quiet, or spanking them as punishment for hitting). He has no empathy and can't understand that he made the other child sad. He has no concept of fairness. I actually read somewhere that the intensely possessive nature of toddlers is a survival instinct - he who has the most, lives.
While the other mothers on the playground might not appreciate it, I usually handle it by apologizing to the other kid for him, and gently saying to Felix something like, "Wow, that made him so sad." He obviously has no idea what I mean right now, but I think of it as practice for me.
It's important to keep their development in mind, and do some research on the subject if we need to, so that we can respond appropriately for their age.
"ATTRIBUTE TO CHILDREN THE BEST POSSIBLE MOTIVE CONSISTENT WITH THE FACTS"
"This sentence [...] springs from two facts. One: We usually don't know for sure why a child acted the way he did. Two: Our beliefs about those reasons can create a self-fulfilling prophecy."
If you say, or act as if, the motive behind their actions is something negative - that they are lazy, mean, a bully, just plain bad - they will assume it to be true and act accordingly in the future. Saying things like, "You aren't getting into trouble, are you?" means you thought there was a pretty good chance of them doing something wrong. They will internalize your assumptions of them, so you might as well always assume the positive. That their sister is crying because of an accident, that they didn't mean to spill the water, that they honestly forgot what you told them earlier, that they are throwing food because it's fun, not to make your life difficult.
"Just because a child's action may have a negative effect on you doesn't mean that was the child's intention."
DON'T STICK YOUR NO'S IN UNNECESSARILY
Before you deny a request, make sure you have a good reason. So what if they want to sit backwards in their chair at dinner? Or sleep on the floor? Or not wear clothes? Or not sit in the high chair? I think a lot of parents tend to default to saying no, and needing a good reason to say yes. I think it should be reversed. Part of that is setting up a "yes friendly" environment. If you don't want to have a meltdown over denying cookies for dinner, don't have cookies in the house.
"What matters most is the reason for our decisions, and the extent to which we're willing to provide guidance, to support children's choices, to be there with them--all of which is a lot more challenging than saying yes or no. What I'm talking about might be called mindful child-rearing, which is the opposite of being an auto parent. It requires enormous reserves of attention and patience."
DON'T BE RIGID
"Any given action has to be understood in a context, as a function of specific situations and causes. Allowances should be made for a child's having an off day, or for the possibility that you're feeling less tolerant this evening."
This, I think, speaks to a big problem with most discipline techniques - they tell you that when the child does X, you do Y, and you must be consistent. Every time they throw a toy, they go to time out for one minute, for example. It doesn't take into account that the child might be acting out because they are hungry or tired, or that they have no other outlet for their frustrations, or that they don't yet have impulse control or developmentally cannot conceive of consequences. Every conflict is unique, and if each is viewed individually as a problem to be solved, rather than simple misbehavior, then everyone's needs are met more adequately. Consistency isn't beneficial if it's consistently bad.
It's hard, though. It's easier to say, "You hit him, that means no TV tonight," than to have a (developmentally appropriate) conversation about what happened and why and what to do about it.
DON'T BE IN A HURRY
"Parents become more controlling when time is short, just as they do when they're in public. The combination of the two conditions is killer."
We should try to arrange our schedules as flexibly as possible, in order to avoid having to rush kids around. Rushing small children is a fool's errand anyway, and baking in extra time can allow you to wait them out and let them decide when they'd like to go.
"Rather than trying to change your child's behavior, it usually makes more sense to alter the environment."
This, I think, goes along more with "Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily." You will need to say "no" less often and thereby feel less pressured to use unsavory coercion techniques if you create a "yes" environment. By not having junk food in the house that they'll inevitably beg for, by putting out of sight anything that's off limits, etc.
"...I can't resist point out that the phrase, "don't be in a hurry" has another meaning. It might be thought of as a reminder to slow down and savor your time with your kids."
The model of parenting that the book sets up is hard. It asks you to really prioritize parenting and your kids and requires putting a lot of energy and thought into raising them. It asks you to hold a mirror up to yourself constantly but constructively - not to guilt you into feeling like an inadequate parent, but to keep you honest and ensure that you are acting in your children's best interest.
This is a book worth reading even if you end up feeling like it isn't right for your family. It offers up a perspective on parenting that is largely unseen. It will make you question a lot of things - not just about your parenting, but about yourself as a person, your children as people, and your adult relationships as well. This one should be bumped up to the top of the reading list.
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